Do you want to hear a funny story about the lady who kept an object for over 19 years because she thought she should? Well you’re in the right place! Decluttering sentimental objects isn’t one of my top struggles when it comes to minimizing, but one particular gift has been boxed up in our house for over 10 years.
Once upon a time there was a boy and girl who started dating. The boy didn’t have much money…actually, neither did the girl. So when the boy gave the girl a gift, it was a very big deal. The girl appreciated the thought and hours of work that the gift symbolized.
Fast forward 19 years and that girl (me) still has that gift from the boy (my husband Gabriel). Here is the beautiful gift:
Isn’t it a lovely tea set?
Here’s the problem:
We don’t drink tea in teapots. We drink tea in mugs…when we drink tea.
We did make an effort to use the tea set several times when I first received it as a gift. When we stopped using it, I displayed it on our bookshelves. I dutifully moved it from apartment to apartment until we finally moved to our current home. It sat for ten years like this:
Can you see the thin film of dust on the top? I never unpacked it when we moved into our current home and we honestly haven’t missed using it.
Rationalizations
At one time I put it in a bag for donating, but then took it out again because I felt guilty. Here are some of the rationalizations that ran through my head:
“This is one of the first gifts Gabriel bought me. I should really keep it”
“These boxes are so pretty I’d like to keep them and use them – but what would I put the teapot and cups in?”
“We probably could use the set if we made some effort…”
Realizations
There are some things that I know about myself:
- I do not iron.
- I do not dust.
- I don’t display items because they’re pretty, especially as I’ve been decluttering and moving towards minimalism. Plus, when you display items, you should really be a person who does point #2.
So after tucking the two boxes away for several more months to see if I might miss it, I drummed up the courage to ask my husband about the idea of donating the tea set. Part of me did NOT want to even talk to him about it. I didn’t want any more guilt or pressure to keep the set. I thought for sure he would say something like, “Really? That was a gift from me to you…you really want to donate it?”
You know what he actually said?
“Great! Every time I saw that piece of pottery I felt horrible.”
Excuse me?
It turns out that when he discussed Japanese pottery with my Korean father, he was educated about the Japanese oppression against the Koreans during the early half of the 1900s.
I don’t think it was my father’s intention to make my husband feel bad about purchasing Japanese pottery, but in the end, the tea set also makes him feel guilty.
What is the lesson here?
So for the past nineteen years, our family had used, displayed, and stored this tea set that invoked guilt in both of us.
I learned a valuable lesson from this one object – the importance of communication. I made some assumptions about what was important to my husband and kept something out of obligation that did not need to be kept.
Yes, I did have a sentimental attachment to the idea of the object, but it turns out that I didn’t need to keep it stored away in a box for the past ten years.
I know that my husband gave it to me in love at the time that he gave it to me when we first started dating. I’m holding onto the sentiment, but I’m letting the object go.
It turns out that the girl doesn’t need to keep the gift to appreciate the gift giver.
What have you been holding onto out of guilt? Is it time to let it go?
PIN IT FOR LATER:
Oh my gosh, this is such a sticking point for me! I’ve gotten a lot better about it and sometimes I find myself being maybe a little too ruthless. But seriously, as much as I might want to keep every sweet baby outfit and memento, they’re of no use to me- not even sentimentally- sitting in a box in a closet.
There’s always a twinge at the idea of letting something sweet or sentimental go. I do find that there is usually relief afterwards though!
Love it!
Thanks Liz!
You’re right, Angela, that was funny!!
Also, sad, that both of you felt guilt over that set for so many years!!
Glad it’s gone, and you both decluttered some guilt!!
Hi Melinda! You’re right, it is funny and sad! When my husband saw it in the donate bag – he balked! He didn’t know I was planning on donating it to the thrift store, but we were right in front of the thrift store so he handed it over with all the other stuff in the bag.
Hmm, food for thought. I have some stuff that I keep out of guilt, I *might* discuss giving it away with the people who gave it to me, or I just may get rid of it (they’d never know). The tea set is lovely, by the way. Too bad I already have more than enough tea and coffee sets and I already feel guilty for not using/displaying them xD (I plan to remedy that after my next move, I really want to display them). Thank you for sharing this story!
Hi Brenda! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It’s funny because when my husband saw the teaset in the thrift store donation bag, he said it would have been better for him NOT to know when or how I was going to get rid of it. It only took a few minutes for him to realize though that it was good it was gone and out of the house.
Well… my family calls me the historian because (they think) I keep their junk. I have been trapped by the guilt of “its been in our family for xx years, etc.” Secretly I have been packing to give it all back to whomever gave it to me. I say I am going minimalist?
This was great.
Good for you Brittany Rae! It’s frightening, but freeing when it’s done and gone.
Hi Angela, What an interesting story! I’ve been thinking a lot recently about something I read – that hanging on to clutter from the past is hanging on to your past! I hope I’m going to get rid of some thinks in my life like your teapot and cups. Thanks for the inspiration! Blessings, Janet
Hi Janet! I would agree with that statement about clutter. Try getting rid of something small but sentimental to see how it makes you feel. Let me know how it goes when you do get rid of something like the teapot/cups. I’d love to hear how it feels for you.
Well, my kids will tell you that I get rid of stuff at the drop of a hat. But here’s a different story, from my past…not from a father-in-law, but from people who shaped me when I was about that same age, barely an adult. When I was in the convent, we used a lot of things that had been donated to US…as if we were the thrift store…but in many cases they were actually purchased for us because we needed them. We were trained, when we used the things, to say a pray for the person who donated it, just a short one. If we used the hair cutting set, we’d say, “God bless Bruno!” and so forth. So, over the years, some things I have kept in that spirit. It reminds me to be grateful for that person’s life, if they’ve passed on, and to recall their traits. (I actually still use, in a rather child-like manner, the simple “God bless _____” phrase. ) So there’s a delicate line and balance between guilt and/or sentimentality, and remembrance and/or gratitude. The latter knits the generations together in a flexible and durable way. The minute there’s any “ought-ness”, I personally feel it has fallen off the wire into a different, not-very-helpful area. This is highly individualized, and can also turn into clutter…like everything, it can get out of whack.
Thank you for sharing that story Peg. What a wonderful way to acknowledge the history of the giver and the gift. Part of what gives me peace in donating items is the trust that the right “next” person will get it at the right time
It’s so true what you’ve said here!
So many of the things we keep because we think we should, end up not really meaning the same to all of us.
I’ve been trying to learn that not all gifts are meant to be forever (or even a long time). They are given in love, and we keep them for a year? two years? whatever in love in return. But then it’s time to clear the way for more love!!
jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
#overthemoon
I love how you phrased that Jodie – “but then it’s time to clear the way for more love.” I couldn’t agree more!
This is such a terrific post! My wife and I are so glad we found you through the #SmallVictoriesSundayLinkup. We have countless objects and keepsakes that we’ve been holding onto for decades. Recently, we decided to clear out a rented storage locker and save the monthly fee and found ourselves with dozens of boxes that, quite frankly, we have no idea where to put or what to do with. Your post has shown us that it’s enough to appreciate the memories and pass on these belongings to others who can make happy use of them. We figure that if there’s something really special we want to have a keepsake of, we’ll take a few photos and tag them with comments for ourselves and future generations. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you Reuven for sharing your story! I’m so glad that you and your wife are in agreement about what to do with the boxes – that in and of itself is a great accomplishment. I hope you enjoy your time remembering the special keepsakes (and an even better time letting them go, if that’s what you choose to do!)
This was the one area that I think the KonMari book helped me the most! Have a great week!
That’s fantastic Lisa. I really loved the book too – didn’t agree with everything, but it was a big help when we edited our clothes. I have to admit, our socks are rolled together, not folded!
Great advice!! I hold onto things for the same reasons!
Thanks Cheryl! We’re definitely not alone in the struggle!
What a sweet story, I love it. I have a wool sweater which my husband bought me on a trip I took him on and I keep hanging onto it. My first problem is wool makes me itch, and the 2nd it is not a style I wear. But, he didn’t have much money when he bought it and paid way more for the sweater than I ever would have, so I keep it. Truth be told I am not sure he even remembers buying it but if I get rid of it I feel like I am wasting his money. lol How silly of me.
Thank you so much for sharing. It’s not silly at all – but quite a sweet story as well. I hung onto a sweater for a LONG time that I bought myself when I first started working (that was many years ago!). I think it was because it was a symbol of my independence and I was proud that I was able to purchase it for myself.
I love this so much! Sharing on FB, because EVERYONE who struggles with decluttering because of emotion needs to hear this message!
Thank you Carly – I appreciate it!
This is great! It might help me part with a few of the sentimental things I have in my house! Stopping by from the Simple Saturdays Blog Hop.
So glad Marjie!
Great story Angela..
I have kept baby clothes for my boys to pass on that belongs to them. My oldest it was a great memory to go down but my 18 year old committed suicide so now here I am with all of his things and I can’t let go of them. I will give something to someone that has meaning for them with him but the baby clothes will never be passed down to his children so I am at a loss as to what to do with most of his things and have them all stored in a cedar chest including his graduation cap and gown. Others has mentioned having a blanket and such made from them but I can’t do anything that brings back the painful memories so I don’t do anything. Reading your story has me thinking of all that I have been clinging to and thank you for that.
Dearest Christy, I’m so very sorry for your huge loss. I’m glad that the story has sparked some new thoughts and ideas. Please take your time and know that that is okay. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story. Peace and blessings to you.
It’s amazing what weight sentimental objects can hold. For me, a lot of the objects I held on for guilt’s sake also carried a hefty dose of self-hobbling. By holding on to a lot of things from my past, I found I was often reliving the past, rather than moving on. When I got married, my wonderful husband helped me see that, and I started letting go of many things. We had one night, right when I had moved in, where we started up our woodstove and got out a big box. Donations went in the box, things that made me remember things that were harmful went in the fire. Journals full of frustration and hurt, notes from a past boyfriend (I STILL HAD THOSE??), photos of people I couldn’t remember, college materials of the career that I never got (and really don’t want now!) all got released and turned into ash.
It was one of the most remarkably freeing nights. I love the fact that we spread those ashes on our garden later in the season, and new life sprang up in both the ground and in my heart.
I love how you spoke with your husband about it! Communicating is such an intregal part of declutteting sentimental objects! Love this post!
Absolutely Patty! Thanks for reading and commenting